For Our Native Youth Struggling with Depression & Suicide: HOPE is in Our Blood
Guest Essay
At some point in our lives, we all hold the seed of suicide. Most people will hold it in their hand and think about planting it, but toss it away. It will become a reminder of a moment when they found strength and courage. If you’re thinking about suicide, I ask that you take a moment and you try to find just one ounce of strength and courage to toss that seed aside because once it’s planted, you can never take it back. If you plant that seed, it doesn’t stop growing with your death. It continues to grow and it will infest the hearts and spirits of your loved ones. If you plant the seed and survive, you’ll spend the rest of your fighting its growth because it will always be there.
I know this from my experience because every single day, I fight it.
I am Suicidal.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have attempted suicide several times in the last 19 years. I’m not ashamed to admit that there is rarely a day that goes by when I don’t think about suicide. It is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life because suicide is not something you can get over. It is not painless and it is not without consequence. However, suicide is something that you can survive and it is something that you MUST survive.
I’ve struggled with depression and suicide since I was 15 years old. Every year, during March, I have a really hard time getting through it because this is when my battle with suicide began. I still feel the hurt I felt then and I still live with the consequences of how I dealt with that hurt.
You see, I lost a really good friend to suicide and my grandma passed away just weeks after. Their deaths turned my world upside down and somewhere along the line the sadness and hurt that I felt spiraled into depression. I can’t even tell you what led to my first attempt because I didn’t plan it. I don’t even remembering thinking about it. What I do remember is standing in the bathroom and seeing a bottle of pills that my grandpa had forgotten when he moved to New Mexico after my grandma’s funeral. I don’t remember a lot of what happened after taking the pills , but I do remember how that one decision changed everything.
I wish I could say that I got the help that I needed and things got better. The reality is that no one in my family knew how to deal with my depression and attempted suicide. Their solution was to pretend that it never happened. I was constantly reminded to “straighten up” and “don’t say anything” because people would think I was crazy. I spent a lot of time bouncing between living with my parents and my aunt because no one knew what to do with me. Truth is that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I felt disconnected from everyone in my life and never felt that I belonged anywhere.
Life certainly didn’t stop and wait for me to find my bearings because the losses didn’t stop with my friend and my grandma. I lost my grandpa, cousin, and too many loved ones over the years that followed. I went through hardship after hardship because that’s life. Life is hard and we are constantly faced with insurmountable losses and challenges. It’s easy to get discouraged and to feel like there is no hope. It’s even harder when you’re dealing with a mental or physical illness.
So, I know it hurts. I know you’re scared. I know you don’t want to feel what you are feeling and that you want it to stop. I know you feel that no one understands. I know you feel alone, but you’re not. I know because I’ve been there and there are still times when I am there.
Most days, I’m alone and most of the time I’m okay. Then, there are days when I wake up and I feel that numbness weighing on me and it terrifies me. Those are the days when sometimes I find myself crying for no reason. The days when I’m doing something and it seems like minutes, but then I realize that I have just been sitting or standing there for hours doing nothing. Those are the days that scare me because I’m afraid that I will harm myself and not even realize what I’m doing because that’s how all my attempts have been, impulsive and unplanned.
Every single day, I struggle with depression and suicide. But I want you to understand that I am healing and the number of good days by far outweigh the bad. I want you to know that even though you are struggling, you must remember that it doesn’t negate the good.
As I said before, I struggle throughout March and, lately, suicide has been weighing on my mind more than usual. Not just because I’m struggling with it, but because I know that you are struggling with it and too many of you are losing your battles. You need to know that you can survive this because hope is in our blood.
If you are feeling like there is no hope, I want you to look in the mirror because you are hope. It took me a very long time to understand this, but the blood that flows through our veins is full of hope, love, defiance and sacrifice. We are here today because our ancestors refused to give up hope. We are here because they fought for us to survive and that defiance and will to survive lives on in our blood. We cannot let their love, courage and sacrifice be in vain. Choose to live and choose to fight.
I know you may feel alone, but you’re not. What I didn’t realize is that all the times that I felt alone and that no one understood, there were survivors and others who were fighting for me the way that we now fight for you. You are our hope and our future. You are loved beyond measure and we are here for you.
Make the choice to live.
It’s not always easy, but don’t let the hurt and fears that you feel today erase the happiness and victories that await you tomorrow.
Johnnie Jae is of the Jiwere-Nutachi and Chahta tribes of Oklahoma. She is the Executive Managing Partner & Midwest Regional Director @ Native Max Magazine and host of the Indigenous Flame radio talk show. She is a member of the Native American Journalists Association.
This usually happens with low esteem and respect for one sense of being a Native American in today society. I work lots of jobs and schools and college. I and my son were token half breed Native American’s for our local Sheriff’s and Fire Department’s. We showed by our work and respect for ourselves and family’s. We did not meet the stereo type of a drunken or drug addict Native American?. Our family’s did have problems with drug dealers and alcoholism. But this did not stop ourselves for becoming the persons. most white people think or thought we would become. K retired from the Sheriff’s Dept. after 30 years in Law Enforcement. Reaching the Ranks of Detective/Coroner/Swat team leader and worked Gangs and drugs as a Special Agent and patrol deputy Sheriff. I wore many hats during undercover work. I could mix with Native Americans, Hispanic’s, Blacks and White people. I grew up in a Military family and moved several times in my youth. I grew up in San Francisco, California the melting pot of races on the west coast. I aught my son and daughter to be proud of your race and culture no matter what people think or do! My son followed me in the Public Safety area, being a captain now on the local County Fire Dept. and soon will become one of only 3 Battalion commanders in the local area. He has 15 years as a firemen and we both sometimes worked on cases and emergency’s incidents in our career’s. We both went to college after High School and set examples for other Native American tribal members of numerous peoples in the State of California. I teach native American culture to local High Schools and Colleges when called upon. I am on the local Native American Education program and helped it get to several county’s school Districts to help about 1,000 Native students who needed help in schools elementary and high schools systems. Which help lots of children of Native American Descents get respect for themselves and their family’s. I showed how I usually say “If you do not like yourself no one else will!” My wife family and my own are both of white and Native American ancestry. Both Family’s DENIED being part native American and always used their White names and family to cover up WHO They Were! and Came from. Both sides had grown up seeing HOW Native Americans were treated socially and worldly. They could not vote or own property in some states where our to family’s had come from lived. It took me three years after my Grand mother told me of my native American Heritage many years ago. I found lots of records and names and places and later meet other Native American family members I did not know about in the states of Washington, Idaho, North Dakota, Iowa and Oklahoma. I was always the guy called when a local Native American had family problems or with law enforcement. Also my son did the same on rescue and fire calls etc. Now the local area is more open to Naïve Americans and not the old stereo types. We now had local Pow-Wow’s twice a year. Also Culture days for all of the schools to experience what Native Americans are really like. We are peoples like themselves with problems and solve them and family’s. I have stopped allot of suicides Native Americans and US Military Veterans in my Career in Law Enforcement. I know the pain some of them have and making it back into society White and Red. I am a Vietnam War US Marine Corps Veteran and later a Army National Guard Officer after the 911 Attacks on our country. Serving another 10 years until I retired in 2012. So I hope this information is not wasted as another BS Story NOT. They still call onto me for local native American problems at the Reservations and Casino’s. The new local problem is Naïve Americans changing the local rules for tribal memberships because of all of the money from the Casino’s pouring in. Some families have been in local California tribes for over 150 Years. Greed has somewhat become a Native American thing not just with the White Peoples. If grew up in the military and law enforcement called the Chief, Half breed and other derogatory names over the years and so has my family as it became known we where part Native American family. Now over half of both of sides of he family’s now claim and belong to what ever tribal nation they belonged too. The hardest thing was convincing my wife even though half of her extended family had their tribal card. She is now proud of our marriage and Children and soon grand children, nieces and nephews aunts and uncles in both family’s. My the great spirit help all of our brothers and sisters and their families in these trouble times.
Depression and Suicide are universal. Low self-esteem is a symptom of depression, a very real mental illness that can lead to suicide. I get what you’re trying to say, but how you said it is very problematic because it is not just a matter of having respect for yourself or your culture. It is a matter of dealing with mental and physical illnesses. It is a matter of dealing with trauma and the unhealthy ways that people try to mask their pain. I grew up within my culture, dancing and participating in ceremony and while it is has played a fundamental part in my survivor, it is not a mental illness firewall. Mental Illnesses can affect anyone regardless of who they are or how they try to protect themselves against it. It’s important to understand this because it is not the fault of the person dealing with depression or any kind of illness. These things happen and we need to learn to address them in healthy and healing manners.
Hi , I would like to tell you my story .I am 54 ,I am native I was born into a family who have depression .I have been abused, I have had problems with substance abuse.
My childhood was a nightmare i tried to kill my self a number of times I wondered if i would ever be loved for me nothing i did seem to please anyone ,As the years passed and people come in and out of your life .I had everything stolen friends i thought were my friends werent really my friends at all My boyfriend took everything I had two dollars barely any gas in my car and I had enough.The only person I had to turn to was God . I LEFT HOPING I WOULD FIND A BETTER LIFE THEN I WAS LEAVING BEHIND. I LIFTED MY ARM UP TO GOD AND SAID I CANT DO THIS ANY MORE .IF YOUR REALLY THERE GOD I GIVE YOU MY LIFE .AND I DROVE INTO TOWN TWENTY MILES AWAY TO CENTRALIA WA. I TALKED TO A WOMAN AND SHE SENT ME TO A CHRISTIAN SHELTER IN CENTRAILA.
This was the hardest thing was to makethat call I say I am homeless and need help, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me . They loved on me gave me clothes something to eat and every night it was mandatory to have devotions for one hour from 7-8 pm .i had a bed and shared a room with other woman who were in the same boat i was. I LEARNED about God about who he was but it was what i saw in these christian woman that ran the shelter and the ones who brought us devotions ,was that everyone of them had this happiness and light in their eyes
Have you ever wondered what happiness was or why it seems to be hard to find …well I will tell you I saw it in these people and then i went to church i saw more people who were happy kind loving and i said what makes these people so happy .They are kind possitive people and i wondered why they were kind to me .Every oerson i knew expected something in return for their kindness but these people didnt want anything back.
Well, i wanted what these people had and what did they all have in common it was God .So i prayed to studied i learned that God loves us and i found him..He will fill that empty place you cant seem to fill in your heart You search and will search until you turn to God .He will fill yoy with this joy that is like nothing in this world He loves you and will provide your needs seek and you will find him the more you seek him the more he will seek you.
Ok that was six years ago if i woukd of killed myself i would not have the life i have now. I am very happy all i needed was God and he gave me my husband who is a christian also i have the cutest dig and a cat . I live in a nice house I am a deconess at my church I have possitive friends who don’t hurt me but lift me up ,and encourage me to be a better person. I give bibles studies at my home on weds. Nights and I laugh and I have a church family that We have pot lucks eat together play games together on game night ,study together so we can all be better people. .You see people at church are just like you they came broken and now help the next person to heal and be loved You see Satan wants you to believe all the lies he tells you when he says oh kill yourself no one loves you That my friend is A LIE God loves you and is waiting to change your life …will you let him in to yours .because i want you to have what God has planned for you . GIVE HIM YOUR LIFE YOU WERE GONNA THROW AWAY AND DONT LOOK BACK ..find kind people who won’t hurt you those people arent your friends friends lift you up not pull you down.. pay attention to how situations make you feel. I stopped listening to country music its sad and just made me cry ,i stopped listening to rock and roll all it has is attitude and pain made me feel uptight and angery, so now i listen to christian music cause its possitive and i dont feel like i am on a roller coaster rideof emotions. YOU can control how you feel instead of someone else pushing your buttons ,gaurd what you see …if you always see violence youget numb to it if you always hear bad attitudes you’ll have a bad attitude .Take back yoyr life You control your future I love you all please seek truth in everything and you were beautifully made in Gods image and he doesnt make junk .God Bless i love and text me if you need a friend who have defeated Satanand won And i a m happy today lo t s of love …..juliet